


Irresistible

by lovedeterrence



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Big Boss/Paz friendship, M/M, Online Dating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-03-21 00:58:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3671643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovedeterrence/pseuds/lovedeterrence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Paz signs John up for OkCupid. </p><p>pairings/characters will be tagged as it goes on. rating will definitely go up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. BigBoss67

**Author's Note:**

> you know that big boss dating profile that was going around well one night i was thinking about it and my friend was on okcupid and i was sleep deprived and it prompted this  
> don't know where it's going but i'm having fun writing it

“I wonder… When was the last time you’ve seen sunlight?”

“I see it all the time… Like when I get up to close the blinds.”

Paz chuckled at his comment, but her blue eyes were still narrowed and her arms folded across her slender frame. She was gazing down at the man collapsed on the couch in annoyance. John glanced at her dangerous demeanor and quickly went back to tapping at his phone. This smartphone thing really was something. A new way to tune out your best friend turned mother.

“Give it to me.” Paz held out her hand expectantly.

“Why—“

“Because you’ve been back from deployment for three weeks and haven’t socialized with anyone other than me for two weeks. And the first week was just you getting the door for the pizza. Now you just make me do it. John, I’m so tired of pizza.”

“Not this again.”

“Fine. Give me the phone and I’ll drop the lecture.”

He handed it to her, sighing in defeat.

She ran a finger through a lock of blonde curls, tucking it behind her ear before tapping away. A smirk spread across her lips and John felt a weight of fear enter his stomach.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting you some company.”

“Paz, no—“

“I promise. It’s nothing bad. You can trust me.” The mischief in her eyes meant that she was not to be trusted.

A few minutes later, and she handed back the phone to him. John raised an eyebrow, trying to figure out what exactly she had done.

“OkCupid?…” His voice was cautious. He tapped the app and then let out a groan. “BigBoss67?? You signed me up for a dating site?”

“Oh, would you look at the time…” She avoided his gaze immediately and looked at her bare wrist as if it were a watch. “I have to go.”

“Where are you going?”

“Some college party.”

“Paz, you’re twenty-four. You’ve been out of college for two years.”

“What can I say? People of all ages like my company.” She couldn’t help but laugh at his annoyance quickly and dashed out of the apartment before he could argue with her any further.

John was about to get up and pursue her when their cat, Nuke, leaped onto his stomach. He sighed again.

He stroked the cat behind the ears, and jumped a little when his phone dinged. His irritation at Paz flared again as he saw the notification was from OkCupid. “Nuke, I’m going to kill your mom.” The cat yawned and stretched out, paws slightly kneading John’s shirt. He decided to read the message.

“Woah you’re like cute n stuff n that’s cool”

He groaned into his hand. This was going to be a long day.

A few minutes later and another ding.

“Heyy  
What are you up to tonight?  
This is random but my friend and I were wondering if youd be down for a 3some :o”

“Why?” John said out loud, looking at Nuke as if he had answers. He decided today he’d stay away from the phone.

He decided he was going to clean. He would clean the house and make a delicious dinner and not share any with Paz. She’s not invited. Honestly, what made her think he’d be interested in a site like that? It’s not like he couldn’t get someone. He looked at his phone again and the pile of notifications. He could have any one of these people. He pulled himself away from the phone. He would not fall into Paz’s trap.

John stood up to clean again. He was going to be productive; he swore it. He went to his room to begin his journey. He could make his bed. Or he could lie down for a few minutes. Naturally, he opted to lie down and ended up falling asleep instead of getting a single thing done. He was awoken to the nightmare of his phone going off.

Sleepily, he opened the message.

“How’s it going? I’m gonna be straight up with you. I’m not here to date, find a relationship or have never ending pointless message conversations. I came across your profile and I’m interested in meeting you. Yes that is a real pic of me and yes I can prove it if you wanna Skype or Kik—“

John shook his head and closed the message before he could even finish reading it. He needed to delete this thing. It was humiliating. He tapped around, trying to find some way to close his account. He reached the deactivation screen and was about to click it when he got a new message that caught him off guard.

“こいにおちてしまったと思う。”

The person sending the message was a blond man in aviator sunglasses. His username was DaKazzz. The name on his profile was “Kazhuira ‘Kaz’ Miller.”

John: Can I get a translation?

Kaz: oops, sorry about that… when I looked at you I slipped into my native tongue :o would you like to, as well?

John: Would I like to what..?

Kaz: slip into my tongue?

John’s mouth fell open in confusion and he scratched his head. He was embarrassed and he was angry at this man for making him embarrassed. He decided to take a look his profile in attempt to get an idea of what he was dealing with, the cursed fate he brought upon himself for replying to this message.

The other man was younger, and his profile consisted of a variety of “selfies.” Some of them were of him using a mirror to take a picture of his abs while flipping off the camera and sticking his tongue out. He went to read his information, hoping it couldn’t get much worse. And it did get worse.

“hello there ;)  
the name’s kazuhira miller but if youre taking the time 2 read this you can call me kaz!! kazuhira is japanese I was born and raised there. guess you can say I’m exotic huh? <3  
i hope you remember my name as you’ll be screaming it out soon enough ;)))  
haha tho im jk. i’m just here to meet people I love to socialize and party im kinda a freak lmaonade”

He needed to run. He needed to delete this app and wipe out the fact that he responded to this man. But he opened up the conversation again, because this was actually rather amusing.

John: Okay… that was awful. Try harder next time.

Kaz: hey man that hurts

John: the only thing that hurts here is your presence

Kaz: hEY. I’m a ray of sunshine bro you have all the personality of a wet blanket

John chuckled to himself.

John: So what did you say to this wet blanket? That thing in japanese

Kaz: nothing!!! I take it back cuz you’re a dick smh

John took a second to google what “smh” stood for.

John: Fine. I have no time for a man who can’t stick to his convictions.

He felt a twinge of something as Kaz didn’t reply. He couldn’t figure out what that something was, but he decided to step away from the phone for now and see what he could scrounge up for dinner. He opened the fridge only to find some vegetables past their prime, and leftovers that he wanted little to do with. John sighed, resigning to call Paz for food. She owed him after the shit he’s had to deal with today. He went into his room, grabbing the phone and walked out to the living room. He was about to dial when he heard the key enter the lock and turn. The door opened and Paz practically stumbled in, her cheeks slightly pinker than usual and wearing a long red coat that he didn’t remember her having before she left. He wondered momentarily how wasted she was and placed his phone down. He was about to shout at her over the dating profile, but then he noticed the paper bag in her hand and the scent of a burger and fries entering his nostrils.

“A peace offering?” she said nervously, holding up the bag.

He laughed a little, and smiled. He knew she hadn’t meant any harm. “Fine, I guess.”

John took the bag from her hand and plopped down on the couch. Paz sat next to him and flicked the television on. Nuke jumped onto her lap immediately, brushing against her and purring. Nuke was Paz’s cat. They had adopted the cat together, but Paz is the one who insisted on getting one in the first place and picked him out.

John started to eat his burger, and realized that he probably hadn’t eaten since this morning and it was now about midnight. He reached for a fry when the ding of his phone made him pull his hand out so fast he almost knocked the bag over.

“Who’s got you jumping for your phone like that?” Paz said, surprise on her face.

“No one.”

“You’re the worst liar.”

He looked at the notification and a smile crept up as he saw it was from Kaz.

Kaz: so what are you doin

John: Eating a burger

Kaz: wtf you eat junk food… you have a nice bod :o

He tried to keep his face blank but he was sure his embarrassment was showing and he felt Paz’s investigative gaze lingering on him.

John: Yeah I know I get that all the time.

Kaz: do you run track? i bet you Relay want my dick

John stared at the message for a moment and then sighed when the meaning clicked.

John: I don’t think it can get any worse than that

Kaz: alright let’s see you do better grandpa

John: I’ll do you better.

Kaz: weak omfg

John realized he was chuckling out loud.

“You tried,” clucked Paz. He realized with humiliation she was looking over his shoulder this entire time.

John sighed into his hands and quickly inhaled fries.

“You gonna show me a pic of the person who’s making you blush? I didn’t even know guys your age still blushed.”

“I’m not—“

“You are, now let me see.”

Paz took the phone, and raised an eyebrow at Kaz’s profile. She started to laugh. “Pretty handsome, but didn’t think you were into… idiots.”

“I’m not into him,” he said with irritation. He took the phone back from Paz. “I’m going to bed.”

“G’night!”

He quickly changed out of his clothes, crawling into bed with just boxers on. He removed the eyepatch, putting it on the nightstand and prepared to try to sleep when the phone went off again.

Kaz: where did you go

John: Getting ready for bed. Is that okay with you?

Kaz: not if I’m not there with you ;)  
what are you wearing bby

John groaned. He might as well play along.

John: Come find out. You might be pleasantly surprised

Kaz: ohhhhh I like the sound of that

John felt embarrassment creeping into him again.

John: Can I sleep now?

Kaz: with me? Sure

John: No. I actually want to sleep.

Kaz: lame!! I’ll miss you, my sweet

John: Can’t say the same. Goodnight.

Kaz: mwah <333

John plugged his phone in to charge and closed his eye. He drifted to sleep, unable to fully get Kaz out of his head and wondering what the hell he had gotten himself into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the record kaz told big boss "I think I'm in love"
> 
> all of the random okcupid messages big boss received were quotes from actual real people on the site i had my friend provide me with them.


	2. what r u wearing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they get gayer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry this took me 200 years to update. i lost writing motivation and now it's back and i am in bbkaz hell. hopefully i'll be more frequent if i'm not... it happens.

He awoke and reached for his phone, not hesitating.

Kaz: hey man you should gimme your #

John: D-do I have to….

Kaz: yeah sending nudes online is too risky even for me lmao

John: Ok. Definitely not.

He felt his lips twitch into a smile. When was the last time he had woken up in a good mood?

Kaz: it was a joke >_>

He sent Kaz his phone number and almost immediately the text notification sounded. Eager much? He smirked and checked the message.

Kaz: so whos the girl

John blinked, trying to think of what girl he was referring to.

John: Which girl?

Kaz: in one of your pics theres a hot blonde girl with curly hair who is she

John: My wife.

Kaz: ????!?!? DUDE that’s so… scandalous I’m kinda turned on.

John rolled his eye and laughed.

John: I was just fucking with you. That’s my roommate, Paz.

Kaz: wtf she’s cute have you done her

John: Oh, god. No.

Kaz: and that, my friend, is what I call a missed opportunity  
what about the cat are you a cat guy

John: You, my friend, are what I call a dumbshit.  
That’s her cat, but I guess my cat by default.

Kaz: lmao big guy with an eyepatch with that little fluffy cat… that’s kinda cute

He groaned and felt embarrassed, but he was still smiling. The knock of a door brought him back to his senses. He threw on a t-shirt before opening the door. She was wearing a short, flowy blue dress despite the pattering of rain outside of the window. The only thing that showed that she was dressed for the occasion was her rain boots, black hat, and the red coat she was holding.

“Come with me,” she said, not politely.

“Where and why?”

“Because 1) I want a latte, and work gives them to me for free. 2) I would rather not reuse a coffee filter for the fifth time this week because _some hermit hasn’t gone shopping_.”

“But if you’re going out to get a coffee why can’t you just go shopping?”

“It’s the principle, John. Now let’s go. I got you a boyfriend and a burger, you can buy me a peppermint mocha.”

“He’s not a—“

Paz raised an eyebrow with amusement and walked away, giving him his queue to get changed. He really did not want to go, but he knew secretly she did have his interests at heart. He really hadn’t been out since he returned from deployment after losing his eye. John just sat back and watched the days go by in boredom. The television was merely background noise and he had Paz take care of the bills and shopping usually. She was just a concerned friend, though her cold exterior would lead people to believe otherwise.

Paz’s companionship with John was an odd one. He was 48 year old elite soldier, going on and off duty (though with his eye being the way it was now, it seemed more like off duty for good) and Paz was a 24 year old aspiring singer working a minimum wage job as a barista. Their circumstances of their meeting were not anything special. He needed a roommate, and she responded to the ad. It took a few months before John and Paz really clicked. He had come home to her crying in frustration about some failed Broadway audition and he had comforted her. Both of them, rather on the emotionally stunted side experienced some awkwardness after that. The tension was defused a few days later when they discovered that they both liked the same airing television show and laughed at the same jokes.

Paz started to be herself around John, opening up to him. Well, opening as much as Paz Ortega Andrade does. She took an interest in him as a friend, and though the two of them never said it aloud, neither of them regularly made friends. Paz was a socialite, but most of those people were just faces in a crowd to her. People rarely appealed to her. But something had developed between her and John. They went from never speaking to adopting a cat together and having extended marathons of shows and movies, plopped on the couch with some snacks for twelve hours straight.

When one was down, the other made sure to help even if the help was subtle and generally annoying. And that’s what Paz was attempting to do today. That’s what the dating profile was for.

A notable time was when Paz tried to put John and her on a vegan diet to look out for their health. He snorted to himself. That lasted about three days. Maybe two. And Paz was ironically the one to break first. He caught her in the middle of the night sneaking in with a Philly cheese steak sandwich. John gave her shit for it, and then she opened the bag and handed him one. He shut up real quick.

In the middle of John brushing his teeth, Paz barged in.

“Let’s goooo.” She had one hand on her hip and her other waved around in annoyance. “Pretend I’m a commander or whatever.”

He spat out the toothpaste and rinsed. “I don’t have to. You’re already more intimidating than one.”

Paz smirked, pleased with herself. John quickly tossed on clothes that were scattered across the floor and she clicked her tongue in distaste.

“I think you brought the warzone home with you,” she said, nodding at his floor.

“If it bothers you that much, clean it for me,” he hissed at her as he put his eyepatch on.

“Me and what army?”

He glared, trying not to laugh. “Okay, fine. Whatever. Let’s just go.”

He grabbed a coat before they exited the apartment and began the long hike down the stairs. Paz always said it was the “lazy American way” to take the elevator. Annoyingly, John wanted to talk to Kaz, but he could not. It was a brisk walk in the rain to the café that Paz worked at, and he did not want his phone to get wet due to him not wanting to wait ten minutes to talk to some overgrown brat in sunglasses. He watched Paz practically strut in the rain, wearing that red coat, looking like she was on a runway instead of walking down a dirty New York street.

They reached the café and she held the door open for him. “Can’t even open the door for a lady?”

He ignored her and entered. John went up to order while Paz sat down.

“And what will Paz be having today?” Paz’s blonde coworker, Cecile asked him.

“The usual.”

“And for yourself?”

“Double shot. Thanks, Cecile.”

After waiting for their coffees to be done, he handed her the stupid latte and sipped his own drink. Paz was typing away at her phone, so he decided he’d do the same.

John: So, do you actually have eyes or did you have them surgically replaced with aviators?

Kaz: I wait 3000843948 centuries for a reply and get this smh  
but yes I have eyes  
unlike you. or is the eyepatch just an aesthetic thing

Johnl: Wanna see it?

Kaz: see what

John: The eye….

Kaz: omf g ew!!! …maybe lol

John: I’ll do it later. At a coffee shop right now.

Kaz: a date?

John: Yep.

Kaz: oh…. :(

John: I’m jk. Paz brought me here.

Kaz: omG you just used jk

John: Shush.  
Also, were you jealous about me having a potential date?

Kaz: get over yourself grandpa  
…fine. a little.

John: And how many dates have you been on since we’ve started talking?

Kaz: I don’t kiss and tell ;p

John rolled his eye skyward and looked away from his phone only to see that Paz had gotten up and was talking with someone. She was slightly older, definitely taller. Her hair was light and her eyes were hidden behind sunglasses. Paz was smiling, and it surprised him a little because rarely did Paz give someone a genuine smile. She handed the woman the red coat, gave her a shy smile and wave before rejoining John. The woman turned and left the café.

“What was that about?”

“Nothing, nothing. Just meeting someone.”

“Was that her coat?”

“Yeah. She was annoying and insisted I borrowed it last night, even though I was perfectly fine.”

“Someone you met at the party?”

“Something like that.” She stood up. “We should get going. The store doesn’t stay open all day.”

“But it actually does.”

“Who asked you? Up.”

He sighed, not wanting to go to the grocery store, but knowing they really couldn’t put it off for yet another day.

John and Paz had returned to the apartment after about an hour of him following her around with the cart while she tossed crap in. After putting the food away, and helping Paz cook, he went back into his room for the night. Throughout his day, he had received yet another message from someone on that lovely site known as OkCupid.

“Hey I know this is kinda weird and pushy but would you like to have sex with me? I’m not a creep, just a genuine guy.”

Yeah. Okay. John made an exasperated face. He clicked away from the message and felt his lips curve into a smirk when he noticed that Kaz had been viewing his profile yet again. He opened up his texts.

John: Sorry, the roomie dragged me out for grocery shopping, then we made dinner.

Kaz: you sure you aint married?

John: 95% sure.

John quickly undressed and tossed his eyepatch onto the nightstand before plopping not-so-gracefully onto his bed.

Kaz: i wont be able to cross sleeping with a married man off of my bucket list then ;)

John: You won’t be able to cross off sleeping with a single one, either.

Kaz: we’ll see about that I’ll work my magic  
what r u wearing?

John: Not you.

Kaz: omg rude  
can I see your package

John opened his camera, snapped a picture of an empty cardboard box and sent it.

Kaz: OMG THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT

John: ;)

Kaz: fuck you

John smiled playfully, but there was a curiosity growing inside him.

John: you’d like that. So, tell me, Kaz. What are you wearing?

Kaz: I sleep naked ;p

John: Oh

He felt his stomach jump slightly, and felt a sensation spreading to his groin. Wow, he was pathetically easy.

Kaz: is that all I get

John: Yep. I bet you’re all talk.

John stared at his phone, waiting for a reply, and feeling annoyance and wondering why it was taking so long. When he received the response, his mouth opened in surprise. There was a picture of Kaz, spread legged, a hand wrapped around an arousal so John couldn’t get a view of it. His other hand was taking the picture, and he was in those stupid aviators. He stared at Kaz’s abdomen and hidden cock and the way he was biting his lip in the picture. He took it all in and felt his erection grow. He gulped.

Kaz: did I rock your world ;)

John: Nah. Sorry. Not doing it for me.

Kaz: whAT.. this selfie stick gets the best angles too ;(

John: Better try harder next time. Going to bed. Gnight.

Kaz: goodnight loser

John closed his eyes, that picture practically burned into his eyelids. He imagined what Kaz’s lips would feel like against his own and wondered with irritation at himself why he was so fixated. He imagined his hand around the other man’s…

He lowered his hand into his boxers, deciding there was no way in hell he could sleep this off.


End file.
